...can we talk about this weather?

seriously, can we? 

this shit is bananas. b-a-n-a-n-a-s. the first day of spring was last week, so what is up with the snow? and the degrees being 30? and the fuzzy fur vest I had to pull out of the back of my closet yesterday and inappropriately layer on a jacket/sweater/long sleeve shirt/ tank top combo so I didn’t die of cold? 

pretty much.

now, i was just about to type the sentence that "i don't do well in the cold," but that is kind of a lie. because i also do not really do well in the heat. basically, i have a very hard time maintaining a normal body temperature/ equilibrium. it's not a fun affliction. my friends from the shack make fun of me because when i'm really hot (or tired, or hungry...) i can generally only communicate in my RAGE voice (WHAT ARE THE DEGREES IN HERE? 90???? -me, all the time). also, just an aside- that previous sentence kind of makes it sound like i have friends who work at radio shack. this is not the case, promise. i can't even say for certain that i've been inside a radio shack, ever. although, i am a fan of their new commercials with the british squirrels:

why does radio shack have their own youtube channel?

so, now that is all clarified- the shack= the house my friends and i lived in our senior year of college, NOT radio shack.

we dress like this normally

ok, now that is out of the way, we all know that i do not hang out at radio shack and have inside jokes about my body temperature issues with the people who work there. good. 

and now the joke i was going to tell is not even funny anymore because i just spent this entire time talking about radio shack.

and i'm kind of over talking about the weather and how cold it is even though its almost april, and i'm pretty sure that is NOT OK. also, if it is going to be frigid outside, the least it can do is BE CLOUDY so i'm not all tempted to be out in the sunlight. RUDE. 

yikes. great blog post, huh!?? 

suri cruise, y'all. i'll try harder next time if my FINGERS EVER THAW OUT.

...can we talk about freakishly tall people?

so, i went to the annual st. patricks day in south boston this past sunday, and it was quite an experience. the parade was actually really awesome, men in kilts playing the drums, some guys dressed as the ghostbusters, and clydesdales (i love horses)!!

kilts, rawwrrrr.

who you gonna call? probably not this guy.

i love you, i love you, i love youuuu!

then, much to my horror, BEANSPROUTS: THE BOSTON TALL CLUB came stomping down the street. it was one of the scariest moments of my life. the fear that was struck in me was so great, i can only imagine it is what abby bock feels every time she sees a picture of a whale.

abby's worst nightmare.

don't get me wrong. tall people have many advantages in life. all of them are good at volleyball and basketball, they can reach things on the top shelf that the rest of us don't even know are up there, and they can pet giraffes on the head (probably).


but, truth time: freakishly tall people are scary.


luckily, i live in boston, where the irish blood in just about every male assures no one reaches over 5'5. but, every once in awhile, i am physically confronted with some tall freak, and i geek out. actually, yesterday when i was explaining to caroline holcomb (my biggest fan!!) how i am creeped out by tall people and was contemplating blogging about them, some 6 foot 10-ish giant came clumping around the corner and scared the crap out of me. hence, my fate of blogging about these monsters the walk among above us was sealed.

just for the record, i like tall people when they are on the basketball court (i love you, shaq!!), but not when they just putz around like nothing is amiss.

long story short, really tall people make me uncomfortable (in case you couldn't tell). i can't put my finger on what exactly it is about their height that i find so unsettling. is it that they can see the top of my head, when i can't readily see it? is it that they probably get hit by birds all the time because they are so tall, and i hate those disease-carrying flying rats? is it that they get pissed when i ask how the weather is up there, when i genuinely want to know?? whatever. i realize that they can't help their tall-ness, and to this i say in the wise words of ja'mie king: no offense, but it's true.

(disclaimer: tall people are fine. much like everything in an extreme, just the really, really tall ones are strange to see outside of parades and circuses)

...can we talk about this taco bell commercial?

so, another fun fact about me. since i grew up in south korea and japan and only came back to the states about once a year, the US became a mysterious mecca of shopping, tv shows in english, and delicious fast food in my mind.

each year, i patiently waited for the summer to come, so i could watch 23 hours of nickelodeon, buy out all the babydoll t's at the mall, and shove as much taco bell and red lobster in my mouth as humanly possible (hence my fantastic palate and discriminating taste for the finer foods in life). seriously, if you were to ask me my favorite food growing up, i probably would have answered a tie between 3 soft tacos with no lettuce from t-bell or crab legs from red lobster. what can i say, i'm fancy like that.

- me, all the time

although my love for taco bell, much like my affinity for butterfly t-shirts and teen nick shows, has gradually declined as i spend more consecutive years in the united states, it seems it is still there, deep down in my subconscious. when i saw this commercial on tv a month or so ago, i loved it immediately, and my desire to eat at taco bell all the time is slowly returning.

I'M ALL LIKE WOW, THAT'S LIKE A WHOLE HONKIN' COW!

this commercial is just fantastic. i love this song. i know every word to this beautiful tune. i caught myself singing it in the shower last week. i want to learn to play it on the piano so i can entertain the crowds at parties and piano bars. i hope y'all join me in learning it, loving it, and LIVIN IT. 

also, that reminds me- do y'all remember that chick who claimed she lost a lot of weight on the taco bell diet? can someone look in to that for me? i'd be willing to bet that she was spewing a crock of LIES- i've been on the taco bell diet for YEARS, and i don't look like this bizzaro-marie-osmond.

you sleep in a bed of lies bought with taco bell blood money

now, i will warn you- i will be blogging about quite a few commercials. i really have a lot of opinions about all of them. that makes me sound like all i do is sit at home every day and watch tv, but i really don't. promise. my theory is that i watch quite an eclectic collection and NORMAL AMOUNT (PROMISE!!) of shows, so i am exposed to a wider variety of commercials than the common man. also, my inherited personality characteristic of loving to nit-pick and call out the smallest of inconsistencies (thanks, mom!!) really helps me judge them. betchaa can't wait, huh?? ME EITHER!

...can we talk about how hungry i am right now?

so, let me just start by saying that i rarely drink. and, when i do drink, i do not get hungover. instead, i usually wake up, i'm fine, and then...STARVING. like, i think i am going to die right now if i don't get some freaking food type of hunger that hits me in about 45 seconds about 49 minutes after i wake up.

so, that is what i am working with this morning, when i get upand am getting ready for work after a relatively tame st. patricks celebration last night.

this sneaky-hunger-missile attacked me as i was on the T, on my way to work. luckily, i walk through the prudential center everyday, and their food court was just what i needed. 

or so i thought. 

as i got off the train, i bee-lined for panda express. salty-msg-greasy-goodness was the only thing my mind was concerned with. this would eventually be my downfall. 

for some reason, i wanted nothing more in the world than some freaking egg rolls. strange. 

anyway. 

there was one fatal flaw in this plan- panda express is clearly not open at 10:25am. my mind was so concerned with egg rolls that it took me a good 2 minutes of standing outside the gated panda express counter to realize that they were not going to open anytime soon, and my energy needed to be redirected. 

at this point, i am filled with a rage so great, felony murder-suicide was not out of the question. so, i stomp out of the prudential center and walk in to trader joe's- another issue with the sneaky hunger missile is, if it doesn't get EXACTLY what it wants, it freaks the hell out. now that egg rolls were no longer in my immediate future, nothing sounded good. this does not help me feed myself any faster, and therefore the hunger-rage keeps building. i walked out of TJ's with like 98210 random ass things that i will never, ever eat. like, what the hell is this shit? 

i have no idea. but, i know that it is NOT EGG ROLLS. 

so, i finally get to work and try to eat some blackberries and mac and cheese, which as you all probably know, is my most favorite thing in the world. but, not today. TODAY IS EGG ROLL DAY. so, i get on foodler and try to map out the closest chinese restaurant that will deliver me some egg rolls in the shortest amount of time. i was cruelly interrupted by multiple work phone calls, and it seemed i would slit my wrists by the end of the day.

just to illustrate, i once drew this picture to explain to my family why i needed them to PULL OVER THE CAR IMMEDIATELY AND FEED ME on a very long road trip. it is the most accurate explanation of the sneaky hunger missile i can find.

now updated with my new, chic bangs.

long story short, i never did get those damned egg rolls. and i am still all black-and-red-rage-spewy because i am SO HUNGRY.

likely, i will go home and order about 50 deliciously unhealthy egg rolls around 5:30pm, my usual dinner time (another important thing to know about me is i am secretly an 80 year old woman. i swear. i go to bed before 9pm almost every night, my favorite shows include golden girls and hot in cleveland, and my 80 year old grandfather probably eats lunch and dinner later than i do). with how this day is going, my delivery guy will probably get lost and show up tomorrow morning with them. although, that would probably be fine- as long as tomorrows sneaky hunger missile wants egg rolls, too.

...can we talk about the fact that i have a blog?

i seriously tried to avoid starting a blog. ...they are weird.

but, so am i.

so, here we are.

i think for this to work, we all need to acknowledge and accept that this is basically a self-indulgent venue for me to give my sassy opinions about anything and everything. i will have guest bloggers from time to time, and really hope y'all like it.

i am going to try my best to keep it light, to not offend, and to hopefully make you laugh a little. just as a disclaimer, about 90% of what i say is completely sarcastic. also, about 99% of what i say is me trying to be clever and/or funny, and some jokes work better than others. get involved, and call me out if it don't like something you see.

also, everything i post on this blog is my personal opinion. all the pictures and youtube videos are totally copied from the internets, and i don't own them at all. no one sue me please.

ready? let's do this thang.